Was having another one of our hangout sessions with Joe Semangat the other day over breakfast with cigarettes and we came about a discussion of things we all do and have done but we never really speak about. I'm not talking about masturbating or whatever (its overrated) I'm talking about THE SHIEEEEEEEET and I realize I'm not the only one who does it. Working in an office from 8 to 6, I always take hour long toilet breaks to kill time, and naturally upon sitting on the toilet bowl for more than 3 minutes somehow automatically I'd feel like shitting already, and especially when it's early in the morning, the toilet breaks are the highlight of my day. Here's a list of things I realize EVERYBODY loves doing when taking a huge dump. okay lah maybe some of these are not guilty pleasures but it's still nice to read.
(Random planking image to make blog post look interesting)
The 'fuck yeah' moment:
The awesome moment when you wipe your ass with a toilet paper and you see there's no left-over shit on it! The tissue is so clean that you can recycle it to wipe your nose! Lean back on that cold clay white toilet bowl and say 'fuck yeaaahhhhh'.
The 'I wish my boyfriend is that long':
Sometimes we shit bricks, sometimes we shit pebbles, and sometimes we try not to squeeze the hole in order to give birth to an 8 incher. You know how we'll position our buttocks in such a way, and then our eyebrows will frown like Dwayne Johnson a little, slowly slowly let it out little by little, trying hard not to break it into pieces, yeah you get what I mean. The pleasurable feeling of having feces that looks like Bono from U2 (you'll get this only if you watch the shit episode from South Park) is epic. Not only guys measure their shit, GIRLS DO IT TOO! It's nice to look back into the potty and give yourself punch on the shoulder for exiting a huge amount of what entered ...food through the mouth I meant. Don't go think far far.
The 'appetizer':
This I'm not too sure if it happens to everyone but I'm pretty aware most of us have this problem. You see, when working, I tend to go to the far end toilet thats away from my office, I have my reasons, and basically it's the toilet that is normally empty. I do this for a very special reason. Sometimes when I walk in and I see a cubicle occupied, I will refuse to shit in there and instead walk to an even further toilet. It MUST be empty. I have a VERY good reason for it. It can be very embarassing if someone is in it or worst, a colleague.
Here's a worst case scenario that happened not too long ago: This one time I walked to the far end toilet because I wanted to shit, but when I walked in I see my colleague in there too, and obviously I know she's there to shit with my same reason. I HAVE A VERY GOOD REASON. I walked into a cubicle and she went into the one beside mine. I thought maybe I'd just sit there and wait for her to finish peeing then I'd be able to shit in peace, BUT IT WAS A BAD IDEA! She started farting really loud. It's those explosive diarrhea kinda shit. & it must be really embarassing for her because it sounded like she tried to hold it in and let it out slowly, trying to make it as silent as possible, but somehow failed. I could hear her heavy breathing too because it must've really hurt. Being in the cubicle right next to hers, the smell was overwhelming! I could taste it at the tip of my tongue! My nose was fucking offended! I couldn't shit in peace so I left the toilet and went to the furtherst one. After I was done, I went back into the office and I see she's not back yet. She then came in like 30 minutes later and gave me that awkward smile. I swear eversince that incident, I can never look at her the same way ever again! Each time I walk by her table or look at her face, I will suddenly be reminded of that fucking smell.
And my reason for needing an empty toilet? I DON'T WANT TO BE IN HER SITUATION! I must and will ALWAYS let out a really loud fart before I start to shit. I call it the appetizer hehehe. Farting loudly in a toilet while there's people who I'm gonna have to face everyday is a nightmare, So I go to the far end toilet in order to avoid my colleagues, and if they're in there too, I will hold it in and go to the even further toilet. Shitting without letting out some gas feels very incomplete. It's like your body's queefing way of saying "you're not done yet, sit longer and wait for the fart, THEN ONLY you're finish shitting."
The Distraction:
This for The Appetizer situation (refer to above). Sometimes when you're gonna fart, can't hold it in any longer, you have to make noises in other to muffle out the sound. Sometimes we flush, sometimes we move our feet on the ground, sometimes we play a game on our iphone, sometimes we pull the toilet papers really hard, and sometimes we just bang on the cubicle walls.
The 'cloning':
Okay this is racist, but we're all somehow racist in a way too anyways, Sometimes subconsciously, and my IC states that I'm Indian too so I have every right to joke about my own race and not be regarded as racism. The colors of our poop are never the same. One day it's green, the next it's brown, sometimes black, sometimes white, and when I'm lucky I see what looks like the Singh next door. What do you call an Indian shitting? Cloning.
(Another random planking image to make blog post look interesting)
The 'floater':
It's a rare occurance for me to see my poop float cause normally it would naturally sink, and when it does float, I feel like it's one of those days. You know those days.... Those days when shit always happens. hehehe get it get it?
The 'Why do I always need to shit when I'm about to leave the house?'
Is it the anxiety of going out that causes this? maybe the nervous feeling of going to meet someone new? I ALWAYS have to shit when I'm about to go out and it sucks when I'm already half way to the train station and I have to turn back home to shit. Apparently the trick to this problem is to wear your shoes then stand at the door for 5 minutes, then somehow the bowel movements will start and you're still conviniently near your comfortable home toilet :D
The 'I need a newspaper or a cigarette':
When I started smoking, I was really young and underage, and I had to hide it from my parents So I normally smoke in the toilet when I'm taking a dump. It became such a habit that I can't shit when I'm out of cigarettes and need to shit when I'm smoking outside. Before I had this habit, I used to always bring a newspaper into the toilet to entertain myself when I shit. When I don't have a newspaper or any reading material, I'd grab the closest shampoo bottle and read the ingredients! I can even memorize most of it til today!
dahhh dahh i cannot think of what else more to write. I need to go shit now. bye
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